I am writing this post with no end in sight and hence it might end up being incessantly long. There are a lot of things going on in my mind lately, some about future, some about present, some ever eluding timeless puzzles of life. The way I am living my life is no less amusing, at least in thought. I wake up at 6 in the morning and the first thing I do is open a book and read a few pages, then I go about a mild work out then I go for a jog in the chilly winter mornings of Delhi to a park I have recently discovered. It’s at this park I feel so disconnected from the world that it has become hard finding that connection back. When I think about it, it’s so peaceful here among the trees the grass the pure cold air, every breath of which is like being born again in a pious and better world. And then I realize, No, We human beings like to live in jungles of concrete breathing polluted air, eating junk food. Ok I am not going paranoid, I do all these things myself but I was wondering wouldn’t it be great we our houses were all surrounded by trees the roads in front of our home has grass patches at their sides, the air we breathe was purer. How great it would have been if we could live our life in a more natural habitat.
These are some of the clicks from the morning walk.
After this magnificent and entrancing walk I return to my flat boil eggs, make sandwich, warm some milk and have a heavy breakfast. Reality isn’t that bad, you see. And now something massive hits me. I am 22, decent looking, studying in a premier B-school, fairly popular, from what I hear I am a good writer and decent enough singer as well. In normal terms I think I would have been kind of an Eligible bachelor. But the fact remains that I haven’t had a single relationship so far, In other words I am the original forever alone. Now I ask myself why? I think I have a fear of intimacy or closeness, I just can’t let people get close to me, it feels like making myself vulnerable, tearing down the defenses I have build over the years. A friend of mine, to whom I asked why do you think I am a single? Before she could answer I asked, do I come across as a loner? She said, yes. And the thing is deep down I knew this. I like being alone, it’s more like I would like to share my time with someone who is more interesting then my own thoughts or who becomes my one single thought. So far I haven’t met that person I think, or maybe I met her and didn’t give her the chance to get close to me. I have always been looking for that one special person. Anyways the bottom-line is, in this one regard I am a hopeless case.
Now the other thing that has occupied my mind is the Future Me. I get these constant flashes of a guy in great suits, with cologne, a watch and a peg of Scotch in one hand, sitting alone in a bar. I have become almost obsessive with this image. So much so that I have actually started working towards it, working out, checking out suits on the net. I am going crazy I think. I just want to be that guy in suits, in a bar with a mysterious aura, deep and thoughtful eyes. You see I am still a loner.
And amid all this there is a consistent longing for a person, for that someone special, someone who can snap me out of this madness. Someone who understands the thing I would never say, my one single thought, my muse.
PS: I have started reading Sophie’s World, An excellent book for anyone who has any interest in Philosophy.