Frame-less Disposition


Well I am about to leave for Auli, for most of you who don’t know about Auli, the place is called Switzerland of east or something. However why I am writing this post is not to mention the beauty of the place but to put into words what I am feeling right now, at this exact moment, 6:54 PM 24th of January.

My mind is in a conflict, it had been like that for a few days(or may be months), but things are beginning to calm down and once again it has been due to books, they always have this effect on me, they untangle the complex webs I weave in my own mind. The place I am going to, it’s the kind of place about which you read in News, ‘  A bus went down the valley, no survivors’ or ‘ Temperature -12 degrees ‘ or ‘ Car fell of the cliff’. Pretty scary stuff right?  But I have to do this. I cannot help it, I need to go out there, into the wild and feel the fresh chilly air and lie down in a snow field.

I will just lay there and think and may be create few more tangled webs in my mind (which I will later untangle by reading some good books). As a writer you can’t help being a complex person, somebody once said, A writer is not one person, he is a mix of all those person he has written or will write. Practically we writers are kind of fucked up. I am even more so.  Hardly anybody really knows me(or maybe i just overestimate myself), they know the nicer me, the one that is always caring and helpful and polite in nature, a rare few know the arrogant and a little pompous me( yes I have a bit of an ego problem sometimes) and nobody knows the conflicted me(or may be they do and just don’t mention it). The one that is always fighting an innerwar, I wish somebody knew that side of me too. But then it would be too much of a bother for  anyone to try and know me. But that is beside the point.

I need to go into the mountains, that is where I truly feel at peace, I feel a heightened sense of existence, may be that is why it’s a long cherished dream of mine to live among the mountains. I am very impulsive and at this juncture in my life I am highly unsatisfied with the way things are, there is this creative uprising inside of me which is tamed down by reality (only partially, I can never be completely tamed) , there is this infatuation that has made me crazy ( I hate not being in control of my own thoughts), and then there is my job and this city. Delhi is a good city with lot of opportunities but I have had my fill, I may want to come back later but right now I think I need a breather, a change of environment, kind of a fresh start in life. Not that my life is fucked up, in fact by most standards I must be living a dream. But something is off, if you know what I mean. I am an idealist, I want everything in my life to be as close to perfect as possible and my definition of perfect is different, anything things gives me happiness, freedom and a sense of achievement is perfect for me. I don’t want the best car out there (it wouldn’t hurt to have one) or the hottest super model ( that wouldn’t hurt either) but what I want is something that gives me happiness, catches my fancy. I guess I am again going off topic.

On the last note ( I hope my journey will be safe and I will come back and write a lot) I would like to mention, if I have shared this link with you ( either you got it in your mail as you follow my blog, or send it to you on gtalk or whatsapp or facebook) It means that you mean a lot me and I will always be honest to you and I would love to know you more and hopefully you will get to know me more too .

To whomsoever it may concern –  I guess I love you.

PS: I never use the word Love without meaning it, there are a very few people I have said it too, and that too very few times. What I mean is that right now I actually mean it. 🙂

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